We watched the BEST film in the world in the early hours of Sunday morning. A horror film from 1986, complete with terrible acting, terrible clothes and terrible soundtrack. But can you guess the source of the terror? Can you guess? YES! None other than CHARLIE SHEEN!

Charlie Sheen - he's back from the dead.

Charlie Sheen, driving his mystical car with mystical lightening effect engine, encourages the gang who killed him to race him...and he kills them off, one by one. A series of flashbacks show us the death...Charlie Sheen (wearing tiny tiny briefs) is having sex, when the gang burst in and STAB HIM TO DEATH!!

Charlie Sheen - he wears short shorts.

The leader of the gang, a leather waistcoat wearing beast of a man, is unable to talk without gritting his teeth, and can put a threat into anything he says. For your information, a shotgun is now to be known as a "KIDNEY BUSTER". He has a strange attachment to his knife, and throughout the film he takes to holding against the throats of people who challenge his authority. The knife also heralds a change in his tone of voice...the knife makes him feel like a big man. I spent the second half of the film waiting for him to go to the burger bar and...

"Can I take your order?"
"Yeah. I'll have a hamburger..." (whips out knife and presses it against teenagers throat) ".....AND FRIES......"

Charlie Sheen - his car is magical.

One of the best things about this film is that every adrenaline-packed race is accompanied by the terror inducing tones of A CASIO KEYBOARD. Also, in the tiny briefs sex scene, there's a moment just before the gang burst in when Charlie Sheen's ass twitches for no apparent reason. The ass-twitching providing much amusement for me...much to the confusion of Alex. AND (yes, it gets better), Charlie Sheen has the best hair...normal at the back, with a poodles tail attached to the front of his head.

Charlie Sheen - he's coming for your ass.

I think that's enough about Charlie Sheen now...but if anyone feels like buying me a christmas present.... The Wraith