Oh yes - another great film.

A small town is terrified, nay, petrified as killer slugs invade, eating the eyeballs of anyone they get their slimy little tooth filled mouths on. Our hero Mike Brady, a frantic voice of sanity from the department of health IS THE ONLY PERSON TO REALISE THE TRUTH! OH DEAR GOD THE SLUGS!!! THE SLUGS ARE EATING PEOPLE!!

BEST ANTICLIMAX IN MOVIE HISTORY:
Mike is bitten by a slug, realises the truth (cos he's damned clever) and speeds all the way over to his scientist friends lab (convenient to have a scientist friend, more convenient to have one who specialises in slugs). He runs inside and bursts*, panting, into the lab, THEN..........scene change. When we eventually return, Mike is sitting calmly having a lesson all about your common garden slug. Oh, the terror. Oh, the suspense.

*Mike doesn't burst. Someone else bursts later on, though.

BEST SINISTER SLUG MOMENT:
During the first of many gratuitous sex scenes, the camera pulls back, the scary music starts up, and there's a slug WATCHING THROUGH THE WINDOW!!! GAHH!! Voyeuristic slugs - what is the world coming to?

BEST EVIDENCE OF A DIRECTOR WITH DEVIANT SEXUAL TENDENCIES:
Unnecessary sex scene culminating in totally stark naked girl rolling about on the floor covered in blood and slugs, with one of her eyeballs hanging down her face. Sex scene = gratuitous. Breasts, slugs and blood = not a great combination. "Go on, let's get a shot of your breast with a slug biting your nipple...ooh yeah, that's what I'm talking about..."

BEST INABILITY TO GRASP THE POINT:
Mike: "Firstly, the town is built on a toxic waste ground. Secondly, killer slugs have invaded our drains - and they've been killing people!"
Woman: "............the town's built on a toxic waste ground...?"

GREAT AND USEFUL QUOTES:
Mayor to Mike: "You ain't got the authority to declare happy birthday!!" (I have had great fun saying this to Alex today. He doesn't find it as funny as I do).
Scientist guy: "They're carnivorous...and I don't like that". (Try saying this to people at irregular points in conversation, with an intense expression and serious tone - it's quite sinister and disturbing).
Some Girl: "Well of course I like you, but liking you and letting you get into my panties is a different kinda thing." (I have to say - damn. That's where I've been going wrong. I thought liking people meant you let them get into your panties...shit. And to think, I'd always thought "dirty slut whore who'd shag a cucumber if the lights were dim" meant "friendly and popular"...)

A couple of questions to ask if you ever watch this film. Firstly, why didn't they pay for any extras and avoid the impression that the whole town is deserted? Secondly, why didn't anyone think to pour salt on the slugs?

I did manage to get myself told off by Alex, for spearing a slug shaped piece of sweet and sour chicken with my fork and making it crawl round on his plate, whilst doing "schloop schloop" killer slug sound effects. One day he'll realise how funny I am.

A SUBJECT CHANGE AS SEAMLESS AS A THING WITH NO SEAMS.

Lou-Bee today pointed out that we have a habit (as in mannerism, not as in nuns habit) of making up new words (or using old words for new purposes) and then feeling that we must use them in a sentence to explain. For example, today the word 'crotch' became the new word for 'mental' (I can remember why, but the description would take too long. so I'm not going to tell you. Wallow in your ignorance. Wallow in it*), leading to the immortal phrase: "I found him wandering in the ladygarden**...he seems to have gone crotch!" Fantastic.

*Oh, ok, I'll tell you. But only because you asked. Go on, see if you can follow:
Me: "I see where you're coming from"
Lou: "Yes, here" (pointing at crotch)
Me: "I'd already gone there."
(non-plussed pause)
Me: "I hadn't gone to your crotch....I'd just gone crotch generally...(giggles)...GONE CROTCH!!!"
Lou did join me in the madness (joined me in the crotch, if you will)...I think she's the only person in the world who chooses to join in rather than doing a really good bewildered*** expression and walking slowly away, backwards, maintaining eye contact.

**Ladygarden: lady bits. The private parts of a lady. That bit between the thighs with a tendency towards moistness. Have you got it now, or shall I continue? PUNANI - come on, you know what that is. No, it's not a panini. Ooh, this'll make your eyes water: Grilled panini/punani sandwich. Saucy. Alexs brother is coming home for christmas soon (Alexs brother is "mildly attractive" but that's a whole other Freudian drama which I shall not go into here****), and he's more dyslexic than I am. I hope to go out to eat somewhere and (as a result of his dyslexic brain) get him to order me a tuna punani...oh the childish hilarity. This is the longest footnote ever. It's like the footnote of a clown with hilarious comedy shoes.

***Have you ever tried to look bewildered? Go on - try it. I bet you manage shocked, suprised, confused, angry...not bewildered. Then when you're fed up of that game, have a bash at looking non-plussed. You'll likely look constipated, but at least your face will have had a good workout.

****But I will go into it here. Unfortunately, long before Alex and I got together, I told Alex that I "so would" with his brother, and even went into details of what I "so would" do to him. Oh God. It gets worse - I had a VERY explicit sex dream about Ed last week. More disturbing - he had exactly the same penis as Alex. In my head, he and Alex have identical penises (or peni, as this makes more sense as a plural - this has been discussed. A group of peni would be known as a dribble. A dribble of peni). Which led me to wonder about the link between father/son peni, and led me to decide that I DO NOT want to even begin to think about Alexs dads private parts. I'm a sick person, though, even for thinking about thinking about it.

Actually, it's already official that I'm sick. Last week I received an email from pampers, with "What's this creamy stuff all over my body?"
as the very first line. I couldn't resist forwarding it to Lou and Alex, with the addition of "said the naive porn star to the director". THIS IS AN EMAIL ABOUT HOW MY BABY IS DEVELOPING. I AM A BAD PERSON. I'm a bad mother. And I don't mean a bad mutha.

Get down with your bad self.