MU HA HA HA HA HA HA.

I do sincerely hope you're quaking in your boots right now. You should be.

I'm returning in this sequel with more banal drivel and tales of nowt!

KONG MY BIRD

I looked out of the window earlier and saw what I thought was a new ornament in next doors slightly over-decorated, intricate garden. I looked at it for a moment, thinking "my God, what bad taste he has"...and then the head moved. There was a heron in next doors garden!! Big giant bird. I told Alex about the giant bird. The conversation ran thus:
A: "You're very sad. You've been birdwatching."
K: "Not birdwatching. It's hard not to notice when King Kong Bird is sat in the garden. I couldn't see the shed!"
A: "King Kong bird?"
K: "Kong my bird."
A: "Was it swatting at planes? Was there a scantily clad young woman screaming?"
K: "Scantily clad woman is me. But I'm wearing combats and a batfink t-shirt."
A: "Modern culture ruins all the classics."

ANOTHER CONVERSATION DETAILING WHY ALEX AND I ARE MEANT TO BE TOGETHER/COULD ONLY BE WITH EACH OTHER

K: "I had some chicken nuggets"
A: "Are they good chicken nuggets?"
K: "I only had six. But I could have eaten the whole bag. Very good nuggets."
A: "I'm glad you didn't eat the whole bag, those nuggets were expensive. They should be nice nuggets, if they cost that much."
K: "How much did they cost?"
A: "�3, and you can get a bag of reprocessed nuggets for a quid."
K: "Reprocessed Jamie Oliver Nemesis Nuggets."
A: "You've gotta have the Jamie Oliver Nemesis Nuggets - how else can you defeat King Kong Bird?"
K: "Jamie Oliver has the balls"
A: "Only Jamie Oliver has the Nuggets to defeat Kong-Bird".

AND AGAIN.

K: "Flea isn't happy with me."
A: "Did you just wake her up?"
K: "She was already awake so I stroked her. She's doing happy body but her head is angry, and snuffling."
A: "Her angry snuffling?"
K: "I don't mean the snuffling is a part of her body. A snuffling is not part of cat anatomy."
A: "I have an itchy snuffling"
K: "It'd be the fat furry bit that sticks out between her knees when she sits down."
A: "You're wired up wrong. Go and have a cup of tea."

All of this in the space of one conversation.

Then of course there's last night.

K: "ALEX!! ALEX!!" (shouted from front room)
A: (bewildered) "What??"
K: "Did you groom the cat?"
A: "I don't think I did...why?"
K: "You don't think you did??"
A: "I don't remember grooming him."
K: "Subconscious cat-grooming."
A: (bewildered more)...."Why?"
K: "Well, look at him. He's got emo-hair. You turned Carrott into emo-cat."
A: "He is not emo-cat."
K: "He looks like you licked him."
A: "....."
K: "Look at how distressed he is. He didn't want to be emo-cat. He looks like a member of 'Busted'. You should let him groom you now."
A: "...yes dear. Just watch tv, why don't you?"

Hmm. But at least he puts up with me. He should probably get a medal for that alone.