Well�yesterday was interesting. Lou and I decided to go to Hatton Country World, as we are both big kids (I had high hopes of stroking a goat, whilst Lou wanted to prod a guinea pig. Alex says we are both odd and should not be allowed pets.) Lou arrived at my house at 12pm�we left shortly afterwards�and then spent an hour an a half getting there. How did we get lost? How?? We have both lived in or around Birmingham since we were very small, so how in Gods name did we manage to spend 45 minutes driving to a location only a few miles down the road?? How did we manage to drive for 45 minutes only to find that we were still in Kings Heath? I�ve since checked the RAC Route Planner and have discovered that the whole journey should have taken �approximately 33 minutes�*. That�s some pretty impressive diversions, if I do say so myself.

*�Approximately 33 minutes��I�d hate to see what the RAC think a precise time would be. �This journey should take 33 minutes and 4 seconds�. Good grief, RAC. Don�t use words for no reason, it just confuses people.

We got there for around 2pm�only to discover that the shopping village seemed totally abandoned. No people, anywhere. The lights were on, but there really was nobody home. Damned creepy�especially when we heard what sounded like a child screaming. Luckily it turned out to just be a peacock, but still.

Anyway.

It was open, and we had much fun freezing our asses off wandering around the shopping village and sniffing a hell of a lot of candles (as you do) before heading over to the restaurant in search of hot food. The restaurant had stopped doing hot food ten minutes earlier. �Bugger!� said we �let us share this sandwich and then we shall leave! To the pub we shall traverse, for to find hot sustenance of goodness!� And so we did (why am I now writing in biblical style?? Fuck knows, but it�s damned good fun. You should try it sometime. Go on, give it a whirl.) And so we left.

Now. You�d think that it�d be easy to find your way back to a relatively large city. �Just follow the signs!� I hear you cry. Oh no. No no. We had other ideas. It all started with the immortal words �I think I turned left to get into here, so I�ll turn right to go out��followed fifteen minutes later by �Is that Warwick Castle??� Yep. We�d left Hatton and ended up in Warwick. Fantastic. I consulted the map (always a bad idea) and came across a small village called �Hasely Knob�. �HASELY KNOB!!� I cried, prompting Lou to decide that we needed to find a pub there, just so we could tell people that we had �supped at the Hasely Knob�. We are proper grown-ups, really we are. So. Off to Hasely Knob.

Or so we thought.

Ten minutes later we passed the entrance to Hatton Country World. Again.

Then to Hasely Knob, where we discovered a creepy house which looked as though it was inhabited by inbreds, with pick-up trucks outside and everything. A house which Lou felt the need to drive past twice.

Then most of the way to Solihull.

Then � great excitement!! A sign for Mosely!!! Mosely!!! Whoever thought someone could actually be happy to be heading towards Mosely!??

Then�.Cotteridge!!! I doubt anyone in the history of Birmingham has ever been so pleased to see Cotteridge!! Finally!!! Yeah!! Celebration!!

To cut a very long story short�I got home. We left the house at 12ish, spent around 2 hours at Hatton�and got home at just past 5pm. Impressive, don�t you think?? Needless to say�we didn�t make it to the pub.

This is why women should not try to do things or go places without the supervision of a man. I would usually be very feminist about this�but really, it always happens. Like when Lou and I got lost and spent over an hour trying to get to Nottingham. Or when my boss and I were on the way to Bath and I at one point had to ask �Jo��is that Wales over there?�. Women�know your limits. No, really do. Only women would pull into a pub car park and turn the map around, coming to the conclusion �if that road is there�then we�re over here�and Hatton is�.BACK THE WAY WE JUST CAME!� Only women could get into a blind panic, shouting �which page are we on?? Which page are we on??�

I feel very sorry for us.

BIG BROTHER � I AM DISPLEASED.

I had heard that Derek Acorah was going to be in the Celebrity Big Brother house. I was getting hugely excited about the thought of a psychic medium in the Big Brother house, and was imagining the voice-over guy saying stuff like �day three in the big brother house, all the housemates are hiding in the toilet because Derek saw an orb� followed by a shot of a moth battling feebly to get out of the patio doors. I love Derek Acorah. Only Derek Acorah could get away with walking into an empty room and bellowing �COME ON, YOU SPIRITUAL NEGATIVE CRETINS!!�

Ah Derek Acorah. With your shiny earring and your habit of becoming possessed and scaring the living hell out of Yvette Fielding. With your ability to freak out a group of grown men and women to the point of tears and hysteria. Your conversations with �Sam�, your spirit guide. Ah, Derek Acorah. On a related note, CHECK THIS OUT!!!! The Derek Acorah official website! Fantastic! Turn up your sound! Read the biography (it�s so removed from reality it�s just brilliant. Brilliant). Enjoy the wonder that is Derek Acorah!!

I was told off yesterday�watching the Big Brother launch and holding a conversation with thingy-woman whose name I've forgotten...it begins with a D...ah sod it. But I was holding a conversation with ... (please tell me other people hold [somewhat one-sided] conversations with people on the TV? Please??) and I told her that if she would bring Derek Acorah out�well, I�d even stop playing Tetris for Derek Acorah. Alex says I won�t stop playing Tetris for him, suggesting that my love of Derek Acorah outweighs my love for him. He is not happy about this.

But really, if he wore a big shiny earring, talked to a spirit guide and made Yvette Fielding cry�well, we wouldn�t have this problem, would we. I don�t think I�m asking much.

EDIT Two hours later. 1. DAVINA MCALL!!! Thats what she's called. Good God, the excitement when I remembered that. Insulting to her that I only remembered when I imagined her dressed as a man and thought..."Dave...Dave Ian....Dave Ian...Davina!!" 2. Derek Acorah is not in the Big Brother House. Neither is Johnny Vegas. I am so disappointed.