I shall now copy and paste an email conversation, for I am a sad and lazy muppet who assumes that someone else might find all of this as funny as I do. Maybe somewhere out there (possibly over the rainbow) someone else will be on the same wavelength as Lou-Bee and I, and they too will find this a titter-inducing read. Yes.
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From: " Louisa"
To: "'Kate"
Date: Wed, 11 Jan 2006 10:39:46 -0000
NOTE TO SELF: It is neither lady-like nor socially acceptable to laugh at your best friend's vaginal discharge, or the fact that it made her walk like charlie chaplin. Do NOT laugh like an otter at this remark (do not do it AGAIN anyway...)
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From: Kate
Sent: 11 January 2006 11:06
To: Louisa
Subject: RE:
NOTE TO LOU: You have no doubt by now realised that you have been featuring in my dreams again. Therefore, feel free to laugh at whatever you want.
:o)
I'm sorry for my dreams. Really, I am.
xxxx
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From: "Louisa"
To: "'Kate"
Subject: RE:
Date: Wed, 11 Jan 2006 11:03:34 -0000
ARGH!!!! Were you giving me dream willies again???
Or am I being gullible? Are you linking your discharge with dreams of me (ick) and coming up with a humourous reason for your discharge??? Or...are u really dreaming about me. God damn you woman...you're so confusing and I'm so easily discombobulated!
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From: Kate
Sent: 11 January 2006 11:12
To: Louisa
Subject: RE:
I was actually dreaming about you...but this time you somehow mystically removed manjuices from my ladygarden prior to a trip to a midwife. I don't remember you actually doing anything, but I know it was all down to you.
Hmm.
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From: "Louisa"
To: "'Kate'"
Subject: RE:
Date: Wed, 11 Jan 2006 11:08:40 -0000
I wonder if I had the aid of a turkey baster???
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From: Kate
Sent: 11 January 2006 11:19
To: Louisa
Subject: RE:
You may well have done. I should get on that mad pregnancy help forum ("I am a virgin but I put my boyfriends willy in my mouth for four seconds...could I be pregnant?") and ask the girl who was on about using turkey basters for her advice.
She wasn't using turkey basters for advice...like sitting before a turkey baster (placed on red velvet cushion and being fanned by scantily clad women holding palm leaves) and saying "oh great baster of mystery, I come seeking advice." No, I will ask for her advice regarding the use of the turkey baster. Yes.
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From: "Louisa"
To: "'Kate"
Subject: RE:
Date: Wed, 11 Jan 2006 11:16:23 -0000
OH! Baster of mystery....you take away the Jizz from the bush
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From: Kate
Sent: 11 January 2006 11:29
To: Louisa
Subject: RE:
Did I ever tell you about my Dads mate who owned a volvo? He took his dog to the vet and was told "it appears that she has an infection of the vulva". Dads mate cried "But I only vacuumed it out last week!"
You can only begin to imagine the vets expression.
Or the dogs expression, for that matter.
Anyway.
Maybe you used a vacuum cleaner for jizz removal? It'd make an interesting advert for Dyson, if nothing else.
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From: "Louisa"
To: "'Kate"
Subject: RE:
Date: Wed, 11 Jan 2006 11:30:59 -0000
I think the vet may have been more than a little shocked. Do you think your dad was making it up? Like the time my dad told me that he took a chiuaua into a pub. When the barman said they don't allow dogs in the bar, dad said it was a guide dog. The barman said that it clearly wasn't a guide dog dad made frantic patting motions where a guide dog should be and said "Shoot (or other word) what have they given me then???"
He's weeeeeeeird.
---
We did stop it at this point, though. There's only so much pointless conversation you can have when you're meant to be working. Or should I say, Lou took the sensible option and stopped it here. It was the right thing to do.
FALL OUT BOY - WHAT THE FUCK?
First of all, read these lyrics. Ok. Read them? Sure?
Right. Now, look at this.
God only knows.
MINI-MIYAGI : REMOVE YOUR FOOT FROM MY CERVIX.
Seriously, that's not a comfortable feeling. And I haven't done anything to deserve it - no coffee, no ice-cream; no need.
Ooh, Alex just sent me a text - looks like we'll be able to find out baby sex on Monday evening!! The place we've decided to use to have another scan (REALLY MIYAGI - FEET! OUT! OF! CERVIX! I am not a trampoline!!) has an appointment free at 5pm. Fingers crossed. We're usually very active late afternoon/early evening, so hopefully Miyagi-baby will co-operate this time! If they don't get it at first they'll send us off for a drink and a walk, to see if we can get baby to fidget. Miyagi - you have to co-operate this time, this is costing us �75. I've never before paid money to look at someones rude bits. Well, you don't have to, do you? There's enough free porn on the internet to keep even the biggest deviant happy.
Actually, this could all get very Freudian: I've insisted on paying a considerable amount of money for the sole purpose of having someone look at my unborn childs genitals. Something about it just doesn't feel quite normal. All oedipal and wrong, somehow.
Ooh - the cookage last night went all very well (not that you were interested. Oh, don't think I didn't notice that you didn't ask. I mean, really, how rude can you get? But I'll forgive you this time). I didn't even cock anything up. Although, I didn't quite manage to do the washing up before Alex got home. Hmm. I suppose it was a little ambitious of me. Well, what's a girl to do when there's the choice of climbing into bed and playing tetris for half an hour, or standing in a cold kitchen washing plates? There's really no contest.
CREME EGG UPDATE
Four today. That's not bad. It could be worse.
I will cancel out the creme eggs by having something healthy tonight - that's how healthy eating works. Same as chocolate left ON TOP of the fridge has less calories, due to the inate fear of heights all calories suffer from. They can't cope with it and climb carefully down, leaving your chocolate calorie (and therefore guilt) free.
Don't argue with me, biatch. We're talking chocolate here. It's no laughing matter.
IF ONLY THIS WERE TRUE.
Pregnant Men. Fantastic idea! And the website is so convincing!! Don't laugh - I actually found this through a pregnancy forum (same forum of incredible denseness mentioned in the email conversation above) where people were holding a serious debate about the ethics surrounding Mr Lee Ming and male pregnancy.
When you're done being shocked/appalled/thrilled/terrified, have a look at this piece of research. While you're there, have a chat with Clyven. Test your intelligence. Go on, punk, you scared or something? What are you - a man or a mousebrain?