Rage - Dangerous like a Seal
[2006-02-02]


STEVE IRWIN AND PENGIUNS.

We watched a programme last night in which Steve Irwin went to antarctica and mocked wildlife! Steve Irwin and penguins!! What an amazing combination!!! Penguins! And Steve Irwin! And penguins!!

Right, while I go take my ritalin and calm down a bit, you can read the following list of BRILLIANT IRWINISMS:

-- Looking out of the window of a plane: "You can beat a drum, you can beat your head against a brick wall, but you can't beat the weather."
-- Following announcement from voiceover man that "Leopard Seals are very dangerous and one recently mauled a female researcher to death", Steve slides up to a leopard seal on his belly before shouting: "Now - you don't ever want to get this close to a Leopard Seal..."
-- Walking close to a leopard seal, waving his arms about and sarcastically bellowing: "So, this is the 'killer' leopard seal..." whilst the aforementioned killer seal eyes Steve in a relaxed but hungry manner.
-- Having just changed back into his khaki shorts and shirt, standing on a boat which is navigating through icebergs: "Whoo! My hands and face feel like I might be getting hypothermia!!"
-- Upon spying an elephant seal: "Ooh, he's really grumpy. Are you going to bite me? Are you going to bite me? Look at the size of his mouth!" (lying down and sliding closer until face to face with seal) "Look at him! He's a beauty. If he bit me now his teeth would go straight through my skull and rip my head straight off!!"

Oh God I love Steve Irwin.

SLIMY LITTLE GAY-LORD

Thank you Louisa for making me laugh so much. A short email with those very words, that's all it takes. It is a sentence that should go down in history: "as long as I don't have to converse with the slimy little gay-lord". Fantastic. Try to use it in conversation at least once today.

EGG CARD ADVERT - AM I MISSING SOMETHING??

Two gay guinea pigs, sitting in semi-darkness, talking about their finances. They're very camp. When the light comes on, they're in a stereotypical 'gay-life-partners' type front room, decorated in pink with fussy curtains and knick-knacks dotted about. Hmm. And listen to the end of the advert...I'm sure there's some kind of inuendo in there that I haven't quite grasped yet.

YOU DO NOT KNOW EVERYTHING. AND YOU ARE NOT DEREK ACORAH.

There are people in the world who seem to think that their experience of pregnancy is 'the norm' and that every other woman who is pregnant will have exactly the same feelings, thoughts, physical symptoms and emotions as they did. I HATE THIS. The following rant is composed with one person in mind, but it applies to everyone who has ever done any of the following things, to anyone. If you are one of these people you should be ASHAMED OF YOURSELF.*

Tell me your experience, but DON'T tell me "How I will be feeling" or "what will happen". Don't tell me with complete confidence "in a few weeks time you won't want to ever give birth...you'll know your baby is safer where it is." Don't tell me what I will think when the baby is born, don't tell me that "nobody will have told me how scary it is when you first take your baby home..." (lots of people have told me this) "...so I'm telling you now."

Also.

Don't respond to every single pregnancy story I relate with "yes, darling, I know..." as though you already knew it had happened (because it happens to everyone) - you were just waiting for it to happen to me, keeping quiet so that I could find out about it for myself.

And.

Don't change your pregnancy memories in order to seem all knowing about my experience. If I mentioned that Heather is doing riverdance on my cervix and you said "oh...I don't think I ever had that", you can't a week later say "oh yes, that sounds familiar, I had that all the time." I may have a bad memory, but I do remember random things. Stuff like that sticks. I know when you're lying. Oh yes. Be afraid.

In addition to this.

Don't do the all-knowing thing from this angle either. If on hearing my hopes that Heather will be a good sleeper you say "I hate to tell you this, but you had to have sedatives when you were little - you didn't sleep through the night until you were two and a half", this suggests that you think there is a link between parental/baby sleeping patterns. So, when I jokingly say "well, hopefully it'll balance out then, Alex first slept through the night on the day he was born" it is not acceptable to treat me like a childish moron, saying "She will be her own person, darling. She'll do her own thing."

And finally.

Don't come out with a load of old crap, in an all-knowing, mystical voice, making predictions about my baby. Especially don't, if you happen to be correct in your guesses, refer back to your predictions to prove how psychic and amazing you are. And for Gods sake, don't do the whole "well, I know the answer now but I could have told you before if you'd asked" thing...(for example: upon hearing the heartbeat for the first time, your first response should not be "oh, I could have told you straightaway that was a girl"). Don't, when I say I have heartburn, say "oh, you know what that means?" and when I respond with "the old wives tale that the baby has a lot of hair, by any chance??" get quite upset at the use of the phrase 'old wives tale' and start telling me about how it has been proved etc etc.

*After three attempts to accurately type 'ashamed' the word has lost all meaning and I am now associating it with a punishment** for smokers. I'm not really sure why.

**More mistyping: 'Punishment' as 'pushishment'. Punishing people by pushing them. Not to be mistaken with playground 'pushing people because you like them'.

PREGNANCY AND BIRTH PROGRAMMES - BOLLOCKS.

I like to kid myself that I'm a fairly strong person, high pain threshold, mentally robust, good stamina, look at me oiled up, flexing my muscles and grunting. But every time I see a woman giving birth I remember that I am a weedy little female, pale skin, no muscles, no stamina, look at me cowering in the corner and whimpering. I seriously can't do this. What am I meant to be - He-Man?? I don't like having to strain when I'm having a difficult poo (tending to opt for the piles-avoidance technique of 'just sit there and give a little push every now and again', which is much easier and fine so long as you have a book and nobody's waiting for the bathroom). So how the hell am I supposed to deal with pushing a whole person out of a very small hole? How??
Conversation with Alex, on this subject:
Me: "Could you get your fist up there?"
Alex: "I don't think I could."
Me: "Babies heads are bigger than fists"
Alex: "You'll be fine."
Me: "I'm going to have a baggy fanny after all this. You'll have to wriggle around to rub against the sides."

It really is very disturbing. Better than having a c-section, but still...oh, I can't think about it. It makes me panic.

LISTS DON'T ACCOMPLISH ANYTHING

Over the past week or so I have been writing lists. Lists of things we need to buy. Lists of things we need to do. Lists of lists I need to make (ok, I'm joking about the last one). But still.

This morning I made a list of things I need to accomplish today and tomorrow. It's a short list. It's a deliberately non-threatening list. And how much have I done so far?? None of it, and it's already 2.15pm.

Lists. They just emphasise your failure.

EDIT - A BIT LATER.
There's something very creepy and Hitchcock-ey going on outside. I looked out of the window and there was one giant pigeon, sat on the fence, motionless, watching me. I had a little internet footle for a few minutes and then looked out of the window again. Six pigeons on the fence. Motionless. Watching. And I can hear the sound of at least one pigeon cooing down the chimney. Time to lock the doors, methinks.

I LIKE BIG HUGS AND I CANNOT LIE...YOU OTHER BROTHERS CAN'T DENY...

*HUGS* TOTAL! give Kate-Lee more *HUGS*
Get hugs of your own

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