Sounds like the name for a crappy teen band, don't you think?

But anyway. I've only just started and I'm already digressing. Oh dear. This does not bode well.

I've noticed over the past week that I've developed a very strong aversion to anyone with a floppy mouth. I notice these people...I see them everywhere (walking around like regular people) and for some reason I have an overwhelming desire to either argue with them or smack them across their floppy mouths. Although, I imagine that they would be quite dribbly (they have so little control over their lips, surely there'd be a drool control problem?) and I wouldn't want to be slobbered on by this most maligned section of society.

I don't know what's wrong with me, it's like some kind of social disease or mental problem or something. It all started with that stupid advert with the woman who decides that she won't get on a plane because her boyfriend has presented her with some low-fat biscuits*. I saw this and bellowed "shut your flapping mouth!" before doing an impression of her flapping mouth. Harsh but necessary. Since then I've been becoming increasingly enraged by floppy mouth** people. Jamie Oliver: feel my wrath. Mouth-breathing shop-assistant boy in B&Q: I'm sorry for being so rude to you yesterday. And I'm sorry for taking the piss out of your incredible stupidity as soon as you were out of earshot. (I actually did a little mime, accompanied by "here is a spoon, here is what you need to do...I feed you this information upon the spoon" before doing a flappy mouth impression and speculating on whether they made him wear two "I'm new" badges because he was so stupid. Pregnancy - it makes me very evil and childish).

* Low fat biscuits. Come on - any woman would instantly demand to know why her boyfriend thought she needed the low fat version. Seriously. Just don't buy your girlfriend low fat anything unless she has specifically requested it. It's almost as bad as getting her a diet coke when she hasn't mentioned the 'diet' word. Hmm.

** Accidentally typed "flappy moth", which I think could be an excellent subject for a children's story. Jamie Oliver's Flappy Moth." Yes.

HOW VERY BRITISH...

...but with a .com website. Hmm, brain problems.

I think I'll have a nice cup of tea and a sit down while I ponder this...(oh I really am so incredibly funny it's just untrue). Try out 'apocalypse rabbit vs kitchen appliances' while you're there, too.

YET ANOTHER CONVERSATION TRANSCRIPT

What?? You think you're going to skip this bit??? Well, don't you dare. I'm watching you.

ALEX: "You go and have a shower and I'll go and have a shower, then we can go out."
ME: "You can't shower at the same time as me...unless you use next doors- did I tell you about the scummy pigeons?"
ALEX: "Pigeons?"
ME: "I was looking out of the window and some pigeons were having a bath in next doors pond...they were in the water like this..."(flapping about splashing impression)"...and all this grey scummy stuff came off them and floated on top of the water. Oily stuff. Scummy pigeons."
ALEX: "Oh..."
ME: "And then a cat came and drank it. Which was disgusting."
ALEX: "You need to do more during the day".
ME: "Anyway. What were we talking about?"
ALEX: "I told you to have a shower, then you started talking about pigeons. Out of the blue. For no reason".
ME: "Oh"....(spies top gear on tv...) "Please can I have Richard Hammond? He's very small. Only as big as Carrott."
ALEX: "For Gods sake go and have a shower."

I haven't altered that conversation at all. And thinking back to it, I really do think Alex deserves an award.

THE BEST EVER INCIDENT OF SOMEONE NOT LISTENING IN A LECTURE.

Greatest answer to a question ever. The lecturer guy (who did not introduce himself and who insisted on calling people "red jumper" or "spiky hair", which is very rude) had asked us to quickly write a fairy story in four lines, to demonstrate the conventions of a genre. He asked for examples of the first line (generally "once upon a time"). This task completed we moved onto other, more challenging subjects.

Fifteen minutes later, discussing an entirely different topic, he asked "Could anyone tell me some features you'd expect in an academic text?" A hand went up at the back of the room and a female voice carefully and clearly stated......"A SMALL GOAT."

Fantastic.

I'm buggering off now (possibly for a cup of tea and a sit down), but may well return later with tales of mystery and intrigue and things of that nature. But then again, I often say I'll be back later and often get horribly distracted and end up doing nothing of the sort. Empty threats - they really get you nowhere.

Look! Look!"

I HAVE DONNED A BEAR COSTUME FOR ADDED CUDDLINESS...THIS IS A HINT




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