It's a brain meltdown sort of day...
[2006-03-01]


DECEPTIVE DAY.

It's all sunny and bright outside - the sky is blue, the birds are singing, the sun is so glinty that I've had to shut* one of the curtains in order to see the computer screen. It looks like perfect weather for sitting outside and smoking, listening to the chili's (today looks like 'californication' weather) and reading a book.

However. Next door's pond is frozen over, I'm wearing three layers of clothing and I'm still cold, and even if it was the middle of the summer, in a heatwave, on the equator, I still wouldn't be allowed to smoke.

Bollocks.

Then again, this is quite like yesterday when I'd decided to stay at uni because of the cold weather and the fact that my coat doesn't do up. I walked out of the library to head down to the cafe and thought "actually, it's quite mild out here - I could have a coffee and then walk home"...at which point it started snowing.

*Shut. I accidentally typed 'shit' which has now caused me to create a new phrase with which to express suprise and disgust: "Shit a curtain". It works for me.

DAMN-NEAR OVERREACTED...

I looked out of the window** a few minutes ago and saw three rough looking men emerge from behind next doors shed. I was on the verge of calling the police when (luckily) I caught sight of neighbour-who-always-wears-shorts regardless-of-the-weather picking his way up the garden (in his sandals and socks, no less) to either confront or help them. So, none of my business. Though I'm now a little worried that I might look back out and see a pale leg/sock/sandal sticking out of the broken ice in the middle of the pond.

That would be quite good though, cos then it might get all CSI in Kings Norton, which would be very exciting.

Not that I want our neighbour to die for my amusement, you understand.

** Looked out of the window. I typed "ooked out of the window". I really wish I had. Ooked like a gorilla.

MENTAL DAY OF MUCH PARANOIA.

Yesterday was a bad mental-health kind of day. I had a mini argument with one of my friends at uni (she's a 36 year old woman - I can cope with silly arguments with the '18 year old' contingent, but I find it very upsetting to have an argument with someone who knows what they're talking about). Everything was sorted and she even admitted to me that she a.) had a moan to everyone about me, and b.) had been overreacting because she'd been having a bad day.

Everything was fine, but I still felt all unsettled all day.

Then the drama crap. For the performance art majiggy we've got a lot of different groups of people all doing their own thing, working around some basic themes/ideas. I'm part of the group of six 'overseers' who are responsible for somehow turning all these separate performances into one big, giant, fuck-off performance...cleverly linked together with all the pretentious artistic crap present and accounted for. We are each looking after two groups each. One of my groups is not happy. They want everything done their way and will not listen to suggestions. One member of the group nearly spontaneously combusted when I mentioned that we were playing with the idea of having performances overlap so that it's all a bit messy.

I spent yesterday being shouted at muchly, put on the spot and asked to answer impossible questions/agree to impossible demands.

I am seriously beginning to fear that I may actually be stoned to death before we get to the final performance in May***

THEN, after all this, we started talking about how we (the 'OVERSEERS'...yes it does deserve capital letters) can get involved in a more practical way too. We discussed our weird power/subservience relationship with the cast (people see us as being on a power trip but we're actually being pushed around from all angles) and came up with the idea of all of us wearing suits with a red tie (red = challenging), sunglasses (hiding our faces/emotions - what we want isn't important) and having very severe hair/make-up etc. The tie idea then turned into a red dogs lead tied around our necks, for an obvious link to the subservience thing. And we're going to show some kind of vulnerability too, whilst being visibly separate from everyone else and providing the links between each performance - possibly using signs to hold up to the audience ('applause' etc). But anyway. This is all fine and great...apart from the fact that I don't own a black maternity suit. And to buy one would be a tad pricey, just so that I can take part in a performance which will take place very soon before my due date. It's all impossible and I'm not sure what to do.

The digression is impressive.

All of this got to me in the end, and by about 5.30pm I was starting to feel a little bit stressed, tearful and lonely - feeling like nobody likes me, I'm misunderstood, not good enough for anybody and nobody wants to spend time with me because I'm boring and dull and etc etc etc. Alex picked me up at 6pm and took me home, at which point I went for mental miserableness.

Ended up wandering around and muttering when we got home, before doing little crying and mumbling "I'm very fed up" in a small and squeaky voice before partaking in some Sim-torture and calming down. Alex managed to cheer me up by giving me a hug, making me look at him and saying "Guess what? I love you. Guess what else? We're married. Guess what else? We're having a baby!" before giving me a big kiss and doing the washing up for me. Then I got all miserable and started crying again when we got into bed, mumbling something like "I think I'm too clingy on you and Lou, because I've got a lot of love and cuddles in here but only two people to give them to..." at which point I received big cuddles and kisses and stuff like that,along with much reassurance and kind noises from Mr L.

Feeling a bit better today, but God I hate those brain-meltdown moments.

***FUCKING MAY!!! Mad-drama lecturer woman ("I'm not a lecturer, I'm an artist") thinks that I should be perfectly fine to do movement based performance art for an assessment in May. My due date is on 12th May. What is wrong with people at Birmingham Uni? First the mitigations administrator ("You should aim to take the exam on 8th May...") and now drama woman.

I am not filled with confidence. These brain-deficient people have a say in my degree. Holy crap that's frightening.

ODD NEW CRAVING

I've suddenly started to crave the smell of Dove soap****. I didn't even know that you could crave smells, but apparently you can. I just can't get enough of it. I wish you could get washing powder that smelled like Dove soap so that I could have dove-soap-scented bedlinen.

I've developed some smell aversions too: I had a cheese and onion roll earlier and now all I can smell is cheese and onion...but for some reason it's reminding me of BO. Cheese and onion BO.

Actually, we were in B&Q in Redditch the other night and I told Alex I could smell really bad BO. He said that I was probably smelling the BO of someone in Barnt Green. He was probably right.

**** Soap craving. Ugh, Carrott is revolting. He's developed a thing recently where he digusts me to the height of disgustedness by licking the soap. Last night I went into the bathroom just in time to see Carrott sat on the edge of the sink, licking his lips. "Carrott! Stop eating the sodding soap!!" I cried...and then realised that the soap wasn't there. But Carrott was licking his lips.

He'd eaten the soap.

I'm expecting some frothy clean cat-poo in the litter tray today.

TOLD OFF FOR LUSTING AFTER CRAGGY-FACED OLD MEN.

Oh yes, it's Gordon Ramsey again. I seriously hope this is just a hormonal pregnancy thing.

Last night, as part of the 'cheer up Kate' campaign, Alex put on a repeat of 'The F Word' while we were waiting for 'Ramseys Kitchen Nightmares' to come on.

Me: "It's a good job I've not been in the vicinity of him, you know..."
Alex: "Why's that?"
Me: "I'd probably end up jumping on him and snogging his face off or something"
Alex: "I'm sorry, did you want to watch your programme later...?"

He says it's very weird. I know it's very weird. But I can't stop it.

ONE MORE WEIRD CONVERSATION:
Alex was walking round wearing only underwear for a while this morning (and I have a bit of a thing about mens genitals when they're all soft but neatly enclosed), so I reached out of bed and rubbed the end of his willy.
Alex: "Oi, that's very rude."
Me: "Well, it was sticking out. Though, it is meant to stick out."
Alex: "Yes, I don't want fully retracted genitals"
Me: "Though you'll probably manage it when I go into labour, for protection"
Alex: "True"
Me: "You'll be all smooth like action man"
Alex: "But without the thing sticking out of the back of my head"
Me: "For your eagle eyes. They weren't eagle eyes anyway, they just made him look a bit shifty"
Alex: (gives calming kiss on the head)

He really is very patient with me.

"HEY BABY HEY BABY HEY!..."
Lilypie Baby PicLilypie Baby Ticker

"RONERY...I'M SO RONERY..."


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