I now understand why my parents bedroom was always so full of STUFF. Yes, 'stuff' deserved capital letters, because their room was full of such a wide and varied assortment of crap - everything from extra dining room chairs to boxes of toys. I always used to think "sort your bedroom out, scabby people"...but I now see that, living in a tiny house, they really couldn't. And I now know that in a few years time our daughter will be looking into our bedroom and thinking "Gods sake, sort your bedroom out you scabby people."

The bedroom. Resting place for STUFF.

Anyway. I've started the entry off on a tangent, which really doesn't bode well. If I was you I'd probably just stop reading now to avoid accidents caused by falling off your chair in boredom.

No? Going to carry on?

Well, don't say I didn't warn you.

I'm writing this from our bedroom, as Alex moved the broadband connection from the spare room/nursery today and there's really nowhere else in the house it can go. I have a damned computer in the bedroom. And there's STUFF everywhere - a cot (in pieces), a bag of decorative cute things from Ikea, two Tesco bags filled with nappies/wipes etc, bathroom scales, tins of paint...STUFF. So much for the 'oasis of calm' sexual paradise I've always wanted. I know we're having a baby and we live in a two bedroom house, so it was kind of inevitable...and I know that clutter kind of goes hand in hand with infants, but still. Although, the lighting in the bedroom is all calm and nice, so I at least feel peaceful while I'm typing (as long as I don't turn around and look at the mess).

WEIRD PHOBIAS.

There's a full length mirror just to the right of me. I don't like it. I have a strange phobia about mirrors, to the extent that we have to turn the aforementioned mirror around at night before I can go to sleep. There's just something about them...I always half expect to see something move. And I especially can't cope being in a dark room with a mirror in it - that can actually start off a full, over the top anxiety attack.

In the old house the lightswitch for the bathroom was actually on the landing, just outside the bathroom door. There were no windows in the bathroom - without the light on, it was totally pitch black. One day I was in the bathroom, stood in front of the mirror plucking my eyebrows. Alex thought it would be funny to turn the light off.

Alex has never pulled that trick again. I think he was more frightened than I was.*

Then there's the bath phobia, which is potentially even more embarrassing than the mirror phobia. I'm scared of taking a bath when there's nobody else in the house, and when I do take a bath I have to leave the door open. There must be noise in the house and if at all possible I prefer to avoid having to bend over and swirl the water around, as this makes me nervous. There's not much logic to it, but it has caused some problems.

When I lived in the very old house with creepy old DJ man the electricity was on an old fashioned meter (so would randomly go off without any warning) and the house was ancient, with original windows etc etc, meaning that the wind would actually whistle through the house, making all the doors rattle.

My boyfriend and I had watched 'What Lies Beneath' and I had been particularly bothered by the idea of the dead girl appearing in the bath. I did not want to take a bath. But, unfortunately, there wasn't a shower in the house so it was a case of 'take a bath or be a smelly bitch' so I just had to deal with it. So...on this stormy, windy night, with the whole house rattling and the wind whistling into the room, I was just beginning to relax when...CLICK. No lights. Complete darkness. I'm suprised I didn't break my neck in trying to leap out of the tub and escape from the bathroom.

There's another film I watched which bothered me, but I'm not describing the scene to you because I'll just freak myself out. Maybe I'll come back and add the description tomorrow, when it's light and Alex is here (yes, I really am that bad). But if anyone you know has watched 'Thirteen Ghosts', ask them about the scene that would frighten someone with a bath phobia. After watching that film I couldn't even go in the bathroom to have a wee by myself...I couldn't be alone with the tub. It's really that extreme.

Actually, I'm still pretty weird - if I go into the bathroom at night I'm always grateful that Flea wants to accompany me...I feel better when there's a cat there.

God knows.

But at least Alex understands and was even able to explain to Edd why I left the room when we were watching "Ring 2" and the whole 'child in the bath' thing started up. I'm not sure if they were laughing with me or at me. Bollocks to them.

*I think the mirror phobia might actually have stemmed from watching 'Candyman' at an impressionable age, coupled with my overactive imagination. Although I have never risked saying Candyman five times, I was always haunted by the idea that he'd appear behind me and DISEMBOWEL ME WITH HIS HOOK-HAND. And now my childish fear has evolved into a big, illogical and ridiculous terror. Ah well. All the best people are mental.

NURSERY TOMORROW!!

We're painting the nursery tomorrow! Well, when I say 'we' I actually mean 'Alex and Dee', but you know what I mean. It should start looking like a proper nursery from tomorrow onwards. Especially as Alex has said that once the walls are painted he'll put the cot and changing table together. It's going to be the cutest room ever!

And now I'm being girly and soft. I shall stop this immediately.

YET MORE BIRTH PANIC.

I watched an episode of 'Desperate Midwives' as it's filmed at Birmingham Women's Hospital, which is where all my antenatal care is based and where we'll be having Heather.

Christ, how graphic do they want to make the programme? There was the usual warning about "intimate birth footage" at the beginning...but I really didn't expect to see everything in that much detail. Full 'head sticking out of a woman's ladygarden' detail. I watched this programme on teleport replay** while Alex was at work last night, leading to Alex receiving the following text: "I can't do this. I really can't. How in hell did we get into this situation? I don't want to do it...I want Heather but I'm fucking scared..." Poor bloke. It's not really what you want to hear when you're at work a few miles away and won't be getting home until 1am.

I think the problem I'm having is that throughout the pregnancy so far, the whole 'giving birth' malarkey has seemed very distant and almost hypothetical, like something we were discussing that wasn't really going to happen. Then all of a sudden I'm over 31 weeks pregnant and my due date is in less than 9 weeks. So I'll be classed as full term in 7 weeks. That doesn't seem long at all...and all of a sudden the birth isn't a distant event, it's something that's going to happen very soon - and one way or another, this baby has to come out. I now see why some pregnant women freak out and say they don't want to do it. I'm freaking out and saying that I don't want to do it.

Crap. It's damned scary.

*Teleport replay: what a fantastic invention! I love it. Love it. It means you can watch a shitload of programmes that you would have otherwise missed, for free, whenever you want. And you can pause them too. Brilliant.

A WHOLE DAY WITH MY MOTHER IN LAW AND A LOT OF HORMONES

This could get messy. I'm a bit tetchy at the moment and Dee has an amazing ability to wind me up...I'm already on edge after hearing a conversation with Alex the other night, which I kept barging in on because I was getting so annoyed.

Firstly, we sent out the baby shower invitations on Friday, including one to Alex's half sister. Dee and Jo aren't talking at the moment, so Dee just wanted to check that Jo wouldn't actually be coming. Alex said "We're just keeping the peace, she won't come but she knew that we were having a shower, so we had to send an invitation" at which point I butted in with "WELL I'D LIKE HER TO BE THERE. DON'T ASSIGN ATTITUDES TO ME, I'M NOT JUST KEEPING THE PEACE. I WOULD LIKE TO SEE HER". Oops. Then she commented that the choices on the gift registry were very "conservative"...Alex started to reply, but I again shouted up with "Well, it's what we need. We're not going to put expensive stuff on there just because other people might buy it for us, we're not shallow and mean like that". Oops again. There was more, but I can't remember right now. But anyway - I was fully aggressive the whole time Alex was on the phone, so I can see myself picking an argument with Dee at some point. I must try to keep it under control.

I've asked Alex to make sure that she doesn't try suggesting any alternatives to our decorating scheme for the nursery tomorrow though. If she starts trying to give me advice on 'what would look good' I might pop. I know she's only trying to be nice...but I can't help it.

Ok, ok, I really am insane and evil.

RUMBLE RUMBLE.

It's that time again. Time for foodage. But I don't want to cook because I've only just washed up and the kitchen is all sparkley and clean. I don't want to ruin it. Must stop with the OCD madness.

Yes.

I LEAVE YOU WITH A MENTAL WEBSITE.

Turn up your sound and listen to this. Amy (ickle sis) sent it to me yesterday; it's possibly the best song I've ever heard and is beyond appropriate for me. As you know, I tend to sing songs about the cats to the cats. You may or may not know that I really enjoy the idea that the cats have knees. I especially like when the cats sit on the coffee table and put on the 'cleaning their knees' show. There's something great about choosing to clean such a specific part of your body. Clean your knees. I'd like to do that..."I won't be a minute, I just want to clean my knees." Fantastic.

But I digress. Have a look at this.

MAYBE SHE CAN JUST STAY IN THERE...?

I HAVE TO STICK MY BUM OUT FOR A HUG. PLEASE DON'T LAUGH.


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