I shall tell you a tale of horror! A tale which begins with blood, a tale which ends this morning when I finally started to feel human again.

I had a bath last night. I decided to shave my legs (not easy, when you've got great big bump in the way) and managed to accidentally cut my knee with the razor. "Ah, bollocks" said I, before swilling water over it to wash away the blood.

But there was more blood. And more. And more. So I put my knee under the water...where a stream of blood began to float eerily through the bath, leaving a little trail wherever I moved my leg. So I lifted my knee out of the bath, sending a huge amount of blood trickling down my leg.

"Alex," I called, "dost thou know if we havest any plasters?" (Ok, I actually yanked the door open and bellowed "Oi! Alex! Have we got any plasters?" but I prefer to tell this in Shakespearean style, so you'll just have to deal with it). Alex brought the plasters and turned an amusing shade of greenish white upon seeing the (now red and cloudy) bathwater (he has a phobia of razor cuts...they make him go all squiggly and weird).

Long story short...I got out of the bath and then got through almost half a roll of toilet paper trying to stop the bleeding. It was all ridiculous.*

It eventually did stop (after 20 minutes) and I managed to get a plaster on it, so I climbed happily into bed and lay down to watch Alex being all domesticated, folding clothes and wotnot.

And then I started to feel queasy. And I started to shake. And I went all cold and sweaty. I bet you can tell what this means.

Much of the vomiting. For half an hour. Vomiting which was made more difficult by a still fresh and painful cut on my knee which meant I had to ruin a towel by placing this in front of the toilet to kneel on...and of course, kneeling set off the bleeding again.

I've been up roughly every 45 minutes throughout the night...not to be sick, but because my silly pregnant body couldn't cope with the amount of water I had to drink after the vomiting, so I've been constantly desperate for a wee.

In short: Ugh.

GROWTH SCAN TODAY!

We've got another scan at 1.45 this afternoon, to check how Heather is growing. I'm convinced they're going to say "ah, Mrs L, we seem to have made a mistake. You're clearly 38 weeks pregnant, your baby already weighs 12lbs...we're going to have to induce you."

Ok, so it's unlikely. But still. I'm massive, there must be some explanation.

FACILITATION OF NON-PLUSSED FACE

Alex has succeeded in making me do non-plussed face! Celebrate! Yeah! I thought it was impossible, but clearly it's not!

We were in the car, Alex was driving along at a nice sedate 80mph, when out of the blue he asked "Will you pass me that pen?"

Can you spot the flaw...?

Oh, and my stupid sense of humour strikes again - I'm suprised he hasn't divorced me already.
Alex had just popped back downstairs last night to check the time of the scan on the calender. The following conversation occured when he re-entered the bedroom.
Alex: "The cats were up to something. I turned the light on and they were both poised and motionless. And they still hadn't moved when I came back out of the kitchen - it was like someone had pressed pause."
Me: "Pressed paws? Pressed paws!" *hysterical giggling ensues*
Alex: "Go and sleep downstairs."

AND, OF COURSE, THE BABY SHOWER

The baby shower went unbelievably well - much better than I think either Lou or I had anticipated. I was starting to worry at first, as lots of people had left it to the last minute to say they couldn't come, some people hadn't responded at all, and two people who were previously coming had cancelled.

Then everybody was half an hour late (stress levels rising at this point...)

Luckily, everyone arrived at pretty much the same sort of time, everyone seemed to get on really well and the games didn't make anyone uncomfortable - totally the opposite, in fact; they seemed to help everyone to relax with each other.

I will have photographic evidence of it all, including the cutest picture EVER of Briony and her 2 year old daughter measuring my belly...with little (not putting her name on t'internet) staring up from around knee-height.

So so cute.

I'm so glad we're having a girl.

MENTAL MENTAL MENTAL

I would probably have already posted the pictures of cuteness (oh good lord I'm actually going to put pictures of me on t'internet...well, maybe. I might do my paranoid thing and change my mind, you never know...) but my mental mater has now stepped even further inside her little cave of insanity and has removed my sister's internet access for a week (meaning she hasn't been able to upload and send them to me).

My sister is 18 years old. She is quite responsible and sensible.

She recently split up with her boyfriend, but wanted to clear some things up so had a chat with him on msn. My Mom was aware of this and she was displeased. She did not agree with this course of action. My mother has a tendency to get very forceful with her ideas on the "right way to handle people", despite the fact that she doesn't have any real-time (as in not internet) friends of her own and is totally uncomfortable in social situations...and if you happen to go against her ideas, well, she'll do everything in her power to force you into them.

This is why I left home and started the ridiculous gypsy lifestyle when I was 18 - I couldn't cope with having my phonecalls listened to (followed by questioning if she heard anything she deemed suspicious), I couldn't cope with being 18 and being told "you can only see your boyfriend on Wednesday and Saturday nights and you must be in by 10pm on the dot else all hell shall break loose" (and there were no exceptions to this rule...on one occassion we had to conspire with his mother for her to say that we were going with her to a flower show one weekday during a holiday, just so that we could spend some extra time together) and only being allowed out with pre-approved friends to pre-approved venues etc etc etc...well, you get the picture.

Amy was very upset on Friday night and therefore didn't clean her bedroom as she had been asked. She was at the baby shower on Saturday and was out on Saturday evening, so didn't have chance to do it then.

Apparently, the lack of bedroom cleaning is the reason for the intenet ban. Amy and I both suspect that the internet ban has more to do with my Mother's disapproval over her being in contact with her ex than over the state of her bedroom.

Amy's actually more bothered by the ban because she's a moderator on a website where people ask difficult questions...so if she can't get online for a week, she's actually letting these people down.

It. Is. Mental.

Right, it's already 10am and I haven't even dried my hair yet, never mind anything else. I should probably go.

Ooh - little possible bonus: Alex and I may be told that we're allowed to have sex again! We've not been allowed since week 20...do the maths, I'm past 34 weeks now...that's a LONG TIME. Imagine how pleased I will be?
Fingers crossed for the scan; both that Heather is well and happy and growing normally, and also that it's safe for us to have sex. Go on, cross those fingers.

WHY DOES IT FEEL SO MUCH CLOSER NOW THAT THE "DAYS TO GO" COUNTDOWN BEGINS WITH A 3...?

PRINCE IMPERSONATIONS DON'T MAKE YOU WANT TO HUG ME? CHRIST YOU'RE A TOUGH CROWD. HOW ABOUT TERRY WOGAN? HE'S LIKE A GRANDAD, SURELY YOU WANT TO HUG HIM?


give Kate-Lee more *HUGS*Get hugs of your own