Now, everybody say "aahhh...".

I now feel capable of moving onto more pressing matters. Thank you for your co-operation.

MILLION DOLLAR BABY...?

We had the growth scan yesterday and everything was PERFECT. She now weighs roughly 5lbs* and her head and belly have the same circumference; about 30cms. She's upside down and on the right side (the right side being the left side...oh, how confusing) and just needs to pop her head down into my pelvis so we can get things moving.

We did find out that some of what we had assumed were kicks are actually punches. She is super-strong. Alex started making nervous jokes about female boxers and east German shotputt champions.

Much of the cuteness again though - we saw her practising eating; moving her little mouth, sticking her tongue out etc...and then she yawned! It's so totally amazing and it really brings home the fact that there's actually a little person in there. I know, I know - I've been aware that there's a little person in there for over seven months now...but it all seems so hypothetical most of the time and it's only now that I'm starting to feel like "Holy shite we're going to have a baby at the end of this...and 'the end of this' isn't really very far away now". I don't know what I'm going to do when I haven't got her wriggling around in there, I've got so used to the feeling it'll be weird when my stomach returns to being just that; my stomach.

And now I feel all surreal and odd again. She's having a fidget right now and I've thought about the "that's a person in there" aspect of it too much and I've gone squiggly. Kind of like when you start thinking about breathing and you end up hyperventilating. Not that I'm going to hyper-reproduce or anything. I'm not a rabbit.

* What is the point of growth scans, really? I know they can give an idea of how the baby growing, but we all know that they're hideously inaccurate and can't actually give any indication of what size/weight the baby is. So so many people have been told "Hmm, we'd better induce you - you're 37 weeks and the baby's already 10lbs" only to give birth to a little 6lb minnow. Well, not actually a minnow; they give birth to a baby. Of course. It's just a (metaphor? What is it? English degree totally useless) thing. Yes. A thing.

EVIL NURSE

Why can't I make people spontaneously combust using only my eyes and the power of negative thoughts?

Last time I was at the hospital I nearly took the head off a self-important nurse who told me off for not bringing a sample of wee with me (although I did apologise, explain and immediately request a pot to do my sample when I got there, without having to be asked about it). She was very rude and patronising, such as when I had only just said "I know I needed to bring a sample but didn't have anything to put it in - can I do one now?" saying "you must BRING a sample" whilst irritatingly tapping at the little sign on the front of my notes. Grr.

Last time we had a growth scan the sonographer told me that I had to be seen by a doctor before we could leave, just due to red tape etc that says that a doctor has to explain the scan to me. Okey dokey. After the last scan we were sent on a very confusing wild goose chase, being sent from main to reception to a little office filled with midwives, back to main reception...only to be told "oh, well if the sonographer explained the scan to you then we don't really need to see you". Much confusion. It's cruel to cause confusion to pregnant women - we're permanently baffled to start off with.

But anyway.

Remembering the madness last time, after yesterdays scan I asked the sonographer if I needed to see a doctor this time or if we could just go. She didn't know. She said "pop round to clinic and see what they say".

Ok.

So I popped my head into the office filled with midwives, just to ask quickly if I needed to see a doctor and, if this was the case, where I should go. I actually said "I've just had a growth scan and after the last time I had to see a doctor to explain it before we could leave. Is this the case this time, or can we just go?"

Stupid Scottish Evil Nurse. She was there. Being self-important and annoying.

I handed my notes over for them to take a peek and she started confusing everybody else, loudly asking personal questions of me and acting like I was causing huge great problems.

We ended up with Scottish nurse involving several midwives, giving them all far too much information and baffling everybody with things like "she's had a growth scan and I don't know what the story is", "I don't know why she's had a scan", "I don't know what the problem is" while I tried ineffectively to butt in to explain that I JUST NEEDED TO KNOW WHERE I HAD TO GO.

At one point she tapped at the consultants name on the front of my notes, with a knowing expression on her face. I didn't understand what she was getting at:

Me: "but...I just want to know if I need to see a doctor before we can leave, or if it's ok that the sonographer explained the scan to me...?"
Evil Nurse: "YOU HAVE TO SEE YOUR CONSULTANT".
Me: "But I haven't even met my consultant before..."
Evil Nurse: "Well that's YOUR OWN FAULT"
Me: (non-plussed) "But, I don't need to see my consultant...I just want to know if I need to see someone..."
Evil Nurse: "Have you had your blood pressure done?"
Me: "No, I was just here for a scan."
Evil Nurse: (loudly) "Why are you having scans anyway? Why do you need scans?"
Me: (noticing that EN was looking at page with explanation on it) "Well, I had an eating disorder..."
Evil Nurse: (very loudly) "Eating Disorder! Ah!"

Eventually a proper midwife stepped in, listened to what I was asking, looked at my notes and said "yes, you do need to be checked out by someone before you go. Pop round to the reception and they'll book you in from there.

If only I'd seen her first. But seriously - why is this evil woman still working there? It's not good to stress out pregnant women...and I'd have thought that someone working at a hospital dedicated to pregnant women would have known that.

OFF ON A BRIEF TANGENT

I'm listening to the Chili's album, 'By the Way'. I have two points to make.

Firstly, what was going on with the lyrics in 'by the way', with stuff like: "Steak Knife, Card Shark, Con Job, Boot Cut" and "Dog Town, Blood Bath**, Rib Cage, Soft Tail" etc? What is it all about??

Secondly, how much do I want to have John Frusciante's babies? I wouldn't say no to Anthony Kiedis*** either, but I think Frusciante is full on "give me your baby batter and I shall create a gorgeous army" material. Well, look. And this one. And this one's a bit phallic.

**Yeah! "BLOOD BATH"! I do love saying that.

***It's more a respect and devotion thing there, though. When I'm done being pregnant I'm having the outline of the chaos symbol associated with him on the inside of my left forearm, so I'll have a tribute to my two most admired men, matching on either side. Strangely, I don't think many people know about my Anthony Kiedis thing. Same as people don't really know about my Kurt Cobain thing...I guess I'm not a creepy person with it, which has to be a good thing. And it's not like I'm all "ooh, I lurve them", it really is all about respect.

On another brief, but related, tangent...how great is "Don't Forget Me" off this album?

ANTI-SOCIAL PRODUCTION OF AMUSEMENT

Hospitals can get very boring. Alex and I make our own amusement, usually at the expense of the people around us.

Yesterday we saw:
-- The most unclean family in the world, to the extent that you'd imagine things hopping all over them
-- Very young 'baby factory girl (she looked about 20, had four children already and Alex overheard her saying "my youngest will be 12months when this one is born". Christ - fanny like a flappy meat pocket, methinks).
-- Man who would have made a very convincing terrorist on '24'
-- Woman with huge, puffball, bleached blonde hair, gold trainers and a silver handbag.
-- Dungaree man-woman: She was big, she was butch, she had cropped hair and a stronger jawline than Alex, and she was wearing dungarees. We actually had her down as a single lesbian, until a very weedy little man turned up and meekly offered her a coffee. There was much suprise. Suprise all round.

Alex was playing mix and match with the couples, doing stuff like putting Puffball Hair Woman with Terrorist Man, on the basis that Terrorist Man had a very impressive belt buckle.

I worry about him sometimes.

FINALLY - OH YES...

We were given the all clear. Ok, so it was the most frightened I've ever been whilst having sex with someone that I trust so much, but my God it was worth it. Once again, not so much in the lustful "mmm" sense (although there is that too, of course!), more because I've just really missed him. It's hard to not be able to have that closeness with someone who you love for over fourteen weeks.

I did feel like a virgin, though.

And, on the lustful side of things, it's a good thing I've been so stressed recently that I've bitten all my nails off. If you catch my drift.

38 DAYS LEFT...

COME ON, YOU SEXY MOFO...IF YOU HUG ME I'LL EVEN LICK YOU ON THE EAR (IF YOU WANT ME TO)


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