I don't often do a serious entry, but dammit, I just feel like having a bit of a rant because I NEVER REALLY HAVE A PROPER RANT and I think it's my turn for once. I'm fed up of being chirpy when I don't feel chirpy and I think it would be better for people to understand why I'm not speaking much; it's not because I'm being anti-social or because I'm in a mood, it's because I can't handle being chirpy right now, but chirpy is what people expect from me. People don't like it when I'm not being chirpy.

I'm in one of those moods where I just feel generally irritated by everything and where I want to talk to people, but at the same time I just want to be FUCKING LEFT ALONE.

I am irritated because:
-- My face feels all tight and itchy
-- My scalp is also itching and I now wish that I'd washed my hair, even though it isn't dirty
-- I have to get into uni and back by 3pm today...but I can't manage walking to the train station, I don't know the buses (and wouldn't want to risk getting the wrong one/missing a stop and finding myself stranded), I don't know which taxi companies round here are reputable and I have to make sure I can get there and back on �15. If I can't, I'll have to get a taxi there and then walk/catch train home, which will be uncomfortable and difficult.
-- After I've done the stupid trip into uni to hand in an assignment, I then have to get back home, then walk to the doctors surgery, have a midwifes appointment (I don't have wee and I'm worried I'll be told off), and then walk back again. The doctors is only 10 minutes walk away from my house, but there's a baby in my pelvis and walking is fucking uncomfortable and occassionally painful.
-- I have another assignment, due in on Wednesday, which I haven't even started properly. I can't concentrate on what I want for dinner at the moment, never mind trying to focus on the use of insanity in the represtentation of transgressional women in 19th century novels. I just want uni people to leave me alone.
-- The drama thing; I've had a call from the programme co-ordinator telling me that they're still trying to find out what's happening about my assessment. I was told I'd be assessed purely on my contribution to the rehearsal and planning process, but Tom (module leader) is now claiming that I was told to submit a video. I was not told this, he is lying to save his own skin because him and the woman running the course have been so ridiculously fluffy and vague about everything, and I've only recently got in touch with the powers that be to say that I'm just not feeling confident not knowing what's happening. If I'd been told that I needed to submit a video, I would have been working on putting something together and would have actually produced the video BEFORE I WAS ALMOST THIRTY-SEVEN WEEKS PREGNANT. It's not going to happen now and I'm not having it. Then again, Sheila thinks I should be "fiiiiiine" (say it how it's spelled) to perform on 10th May...even though my due date is the 12th and I could potentially have recently had a baby or could even be in labour on this day. Fucks sake.
-- The computer keeps screwing up, making a whirring noise and freezing. This isn't a major source of annoyance, but it is annoying.
-- The shift key is being temperamental and has decided that it is on a power trip. It decides when it will work and when it will not work, it is no longer up to me. This too is petty and silly, but still goes in the pot of irritation.
-- The Drama thing again: I'm working as part of the group who is putting the final piece together. The people in this group are lovely, but they do have a habit of forgetting that I'm very heavily pregnant. I receive emails telling me about rehearsals etc etc, and when we speak over the phone and they say "will you be able to be there?" have a shocked reaction to my response of "well, I will if I'm not having a baby!". Good Lord. It's not like it isn't obvious.
-- More drama crap: Tom (lying module leader) fucked something up last semester and, due to "an unusually high incidence of plagiarism" and suprisingly low marks, all the assignments have had to go to external moderators. we still don't know how we've done, but we do know that at least a third of us failed. If we have failed, we have to resubmit by August. We don't find out until the week commencing 15th May. I don't want to do an assignment again when I have a newborn in the house and Alex will only have a maximum of two weeks off.
-- I STILL haven't had confirmation of my academic plan, I STILL haven't heard the date of my exam which will now be in August instead of in May.
-- I've had enough of being pregnant now. I'm uncomfortable and huge and my skin feels all sore. My hormones are all over the place, I can't walk, I can't pick things up off the floor and I feel fucking useless.
-- For some reason the mobile phone majiggy on the computer won't work and now I can't upload any photos.
-- Then, the final bit of irritation: I feel like I shouldn't be moaning.

I've been trying to be all happy and supportive and lovely to everybody, and I've been trying to help the people around me, and I've been trying to do as much as my limited facilities will allow...but whenever I try to have a bit of a moan, whenever I try to say "I'm feeling really down" I seem to get a pat on the head in return. I don't WANT to express how miserable I'm feeling being trapped inside this body, but it seems my little grumbles just don't do the trick; everybody says "aww, hon, it'll all be over soon". A certain person (who shall remain nameless) told me to "milk this for all it's worth" and to "use the 'I'm pregnant I can't do that'" excuse whenever I can. When I told her that I seriously wished that I was just milking it, rather than asking for help all the time out of necessity, she responded with a suprised "oh, I didn't realise it was really that bad!"

Does everyone think this, maybe? Is everyone thinking that I'm waddling around and having to stop every now and again because I'm just trying to conform to the idea of what a pregnant woman should do? Are people thinking that, if I really wanted to, I could pick things up from the floor...but I'm just "milking it" and attention seeking? Do people think that, as soon as there's nobody looking, I'm limber and moving about normally; bending over, getting off the sofa with ease, slouching down in a comfortable position etc etc? Do people think that I'm enjoying asking Alex to do things for me? That I'm having afternoon naps just because I can, rather than because I get so knackered that I can't cope any more? I know I was probably guilty of making some of the above assumptions about heavily pregnant women; I didn't ever imagine that I'd be as uncomfortable and pissed off as I am right now. But maybe I'd just like more than a brief pat on the head, every now and again...

I'm fucked off with it all because, as I explained to Alex the other day, it's 24/7. It's not like I can lie down and feel nice again. It's not like I ever get a break from being pregnant. I can't eat what I want, sit how I want, sleep how I want...I can't dye my hair or even do the cleaning that I want to do. For the past couple of months my movement has been restricted, I haven't been able to sleep in a normal position for me and I haven't been able to slouch down on the sofa...or even slump of a computer chair. Yeah, sure; my posture seems to be great now...but sometimes you just need to RELAX. Plus, Heather seems to be constantly on my bladder, which is uncomfortable and often makes me feel like I'm going to wet myself. This isn't something that just happens once in a blue moon, it's something that happens frequently; usually when I'm walking somewhere or am sat in the car. Not being able to handle walking anywhere means that I'm pretty much trapped in the house...and I don't think anybody, not even Alex, realises HOW MUCH I AM NOT PUTTING THIS ON. I was talking to Alex about trying to get to uni today and, when I made a wry comment about "maybe I'll have to just walk...I suppose it might put me into labour" he simply replied with a jokey "well, at least you'll be walking in the right direction for the hospital". Then when I asked him seriously later, he told me that walking might be the only option. IT'S NOT THAT I DON'T WANT TO WALK OR THAT IT'S MILDLY UNCOMFORTABLE - IT'S THAT I REALLY CAN'T DO IT!! I think he understands now; seeing as I burst into tears and told him that I was actually really stressing, because I physically can't do it and it really worries me.

And something else that's bothering me is that I could go into labour at any time now...but I'm knackered and uncomfortable and not in the best state to be thinking about trying to do the hardest days work ever. I need some time to just veg without worrying about anything...but I've got constant uni crap going on at all times, amongst other things that mean I can't just relax guilt free.

And I don't understand why my pregnancy means that my miserableness is less important than other peoples. I'm willing to give the time to other people to try to help them...do people think that when I'm being miserable it's just because of hormones? I'm feeling really down; I've had enough of it all, I want a break from being pregnant, a break from uni and a break from worrying about money and other stuff.

And, on top of it all, I feel really guilty because I haven't been out with Lou in ages, because I haven't felt up to going out and I'm really self-conscious at the moment. I know I look like I'm ready to have a baby at a moments notice, but it shouldn't give people the right to stare at me. I nearly lost it at two members of staff in Tesco's last night because, as I walked past I noticed them looking at me. I thought "nah, I'm just being paranoid"...but then when I glanced over back in their direction, they'd actually both stuck their heads out around the edge of the cigarette counter so that they could carry on watching. I mean, seriously, how rude? But anyway...at the risk of sounding like my mad Mom, I don't really like going out without Alex at the moment, as I feel like people are staring at me and making assumptions...I know I look young, and I know it shouldn't matter what anybody thinks because I know that I'm married and in a perfectly good situation...but it bothers me anyway.

Plus, I have no money. And because we're so short of cash, I don't like to ask Alex to buy things for me. I don't have any nightshirts in my hospital bag yet and, if my loan doesn't come through on time, I'll have to give birth in a t-shirt and then hope to God that I can steal one of Alex's tops to wear in the hospital...even though it won't be ideal for breastfeeding.

Oh, and for added fun; I HAVE A FULLY GROWN BABY INSIDE MY STOMACH. Kicks and presses and punches are very cute, when you're only experiencing them with your hand and you only have to deal with them for a few minutes until I allow you to take your hand away again. But she's bloody strong; the kicks and punches actually hurt now, especially when she gets me inside my pelvis or in my ribs. And if she sticks her bum/feet out for too long, I get really sore. I know it's all cute and everything, but sometimes I need a break.

And I feel really guilty for moaning, because I should be enjoying this experience, and I shouldn't moan about being pregnant because I really am very lucky and it will all be worth it.

I'm really, seriously, pissed off and fed up. But I shall stop moaning now and hopefully my next entry will see me being my normal, ridiculous, chirpy self again.