Before I even think about writing anything else here, I want to start with a message especially for Mandy Moo.

Mandy - you're a lovely, wonderful person, full of love for everybody and everything, with more patience and tolerance than any normal human being has been gifted with. You're honest, open, caring and beautiful; both inside and out. Your colleagues are clearly immature and blinkered to see you as anything other than the brilliant and amazing woman that you are, and I think I might come up there and go ninja on their asses for making you unhappy.

THE CAMPAIGN TO SAVE NIKKI

Come on! People of the UK, unite! Save our tiny elastic faced friend! She's really very sweet and insecure, if you can get past all the temper tantrums (which, by the way, is just somebody having a go at asserting herself). And besides, how could you possibly dislike someone with a range of facial expressions to rival Jim Carey?

ME...IN LABOUR?

Alex's Mom took this photograph the night before my waters broke/were popped by Alex. On the way home from the in-laws house I was having what I thought were VERY painful Braxton Hicks contractions, so there's a high chance I was actually in early labour when this photograph was taken. It's a photograph of somebody being as pregnant as it is possible to be!

And on an unrelated note: hubba hubba. I think Alex looks quite sexy here. But, of course - I'm biased.

MORE BABY PHOTOS

What can I say? I'm all full of baby love.

Is she not the cutest baby in the world ever? Say she is. Go on, say it biatch.

Oh no...I had the appointment come through for her first vaccinations today. I'm really not looking forward to this - I'm going to feel like an evil evil horrible evil woman. A bad mother (but not a bad mutha, as that is entirely different).

A question, though; why did the vaccination appointment come through in one of those mega-high security "rip the ends off" sealed envelope things that are designed so that nobody will be able to see what's inside or have a peek without it being obvious? I have smear test appointments come through in normal envelopes. Royal Mail delivered one of my letters from the psychiatric hospital to the neighbours house AND SHE OPENED IT. So why all the secrecy about a baby being immunised? The mind boggles.

EXCITED LIKE A KID AT CHRISTMAS!

We're getting our new pushchair tomorrow! I! AM! SO! EXCITED!!! It's a Quinny Zapp (in bright orange, no less) and we're getting the funky carseat that attaches to the frame to create THE WORLDS SMALLEST TRAVEL SYSTEM. Ohhh...it's like Mummy-Orgasms.

FUCKING STUPID "ROCK AND ROLL" PEOPLE WHO SHOULD KNOW BETTER AND SHOULD TAKE THEIR HEADS FROM OUT OF THEIR BOTTOMS.

I can't write about this properly here as there's a slim chance that the person in question might read this diary. But AARRRRGH!!! People who talk about things to try to seem 'cool'. People who exaggerate every little experience they've had in order to seem like they've got a "rock and roll" lifestyle; all drugs and groupies and dysfunctional behaviour. No! No no no no no! Seriously, people! If you've really got a 'rock and roll' lifestyle you DON'T NEED TO BRAG ABOUT IT! And that is all I shall say on the matter.

*breathes*

THE F WORD IS BACK

Oh wow oh wow. Gordon Ramsey is gracing our screens once again. You may (or may not) remember the dirty sex dreams I had about Gordon Ramsey during my pregnancy. Spank me with a spatula and all that. Well, really - he is very authoritative, I'm sure it's quite understandable. And yes, I would call him "chef" in the bedroom. But ooh and aah, he really does make some gorgeous looking foodage. Mmm.

Right. Alex sent me for an hours chill-out with a glass of Baileys, as I had to call him to come home from work today due to increasingly bad migraine/screaming gassy baby bellowing down my ear. The migraine is now much improved but the baby is still bellowing, so I've been sent away for some peace to make sure that I'm not going to get that 'somebody is sticking a knitting needle into my eye' feeling again in the near future. But I'm not chilling out much whilst ranting ranting ranting like a crazy person on here. Maybe I should go and don some scratchmitts (so I don't claw at my face), put on an all in one sleepsuit with the feet in, suck on my fists and go to sleep on my back for a while. Yes, it sounds like a good idea. It seems to work for Heather, anyway.

Over and out. Roger Roger (because he likes it).