Firstly - Happy Valentines Day!!

MEDICAL PEOPLE AND UNNECESSARY PANIC

Ok...so we thought yesterday was just going to be blood pressure, blood tests, have a chat and go home. I should know by now - never assume that a trip to the hospital will be quick or straightforward.

Handed over my wee (midwives - they all want your wee), blood pressure, have a chat, get groped by a doctor, sit quietly kicking feet while doctor makes notes for what seems like an eternity...then get told that I have to be rescanned. "There's no problem" she said, "we just want to check how the baby's growing". She then handed me a pink scan slip with 'RISK OF SGA' written on it and sent me on my way.

Hmm. "There's no problem"...but risk of SGA? What is SGA? Dee and I came up with some possibles for the first two letters (Sudden growth? Super greedy? Silly giant?)...turns out it really is nothing to worry about. Because of my medical history they have to make sure that she's growing fast enough, as there's a risk that she'll be a tiny baby (why the doctor couldn't explain this to me I don't know...). As it is, she's actually a little bigger than they anticipated and I got to have another scan.

We saw her little feet (toes and everything), saw her kicking her little legs about (her thigh only measures 52mm...cute cute cute), and saw her BLOWING KISSES!! Well, she was moving her mouth (practising sucking, apparently), but it did look like blowing kisses. Her head has a perimeter of around 25cm. She now weighs about 2.5lbs. Oh, the overwhelming cuteness of it all.

Oh, and just to add to the good news theme of the day, the sonographer has said that the placenta is moving - she's pretty certain that we'll be able to have a natural delivery. Which pleases me much.

BABY GOT BACK

The mystery of my lopsided bump is revealed! Heather is sticking her arse out. She actually does sleep like I do: foetal position, one arm across her face and her bum sticking out as far as it can go (causing maximum inconvenience to whoever is sharing the bed/body space).

She is learning well.

BABY ALSO GOT BELLY

I looked at the measurements when I got home last night...her head is spot on for what they predicted, her leg is roughly the right length and her belly is FATTER THAN THEY THOUGHT IT WOULD BE. She has a little fat belly. For some reason this sends me all silly and soft.

ALTERNATIVE WINTER OLYMPICS

Alex and I are considering having our own Winter Olympics. A no nonsense version. For example, we feel that the Luge event should be renamed "extreme lying down", as this is quite obviously what it is. I misread "Luge Women" as 'Huge Women', so this will now be included as an event. We also feel that curling* is not a sport and that tigers should be introduced, transforming what was a relatively dull event into EXTREME CURLING and introducing a bit of danger and excitement.

Oh wow. The World Curling Federation. Wouldn't you like to be able to say you worked for them?

PREGNANT PERFORMANCE ART

This is all going to be ridiculous. I'm still coming up with ideas for how I can possibly get involved with movement based performance art, the assessment for which will be around two weeks before my due date. Hmm. I do think I should be given extra marks for having to be so damned inventive. And the three people I'm working with should be given extra marks for their patience (and their bravery, for agreeing do attempt this with a weeble).

I'll get photos, whatever we do. It should be quite comical.

SHE MENTIONED THE DAMNED CONSERVATORY. AND THEN UPPED THE ANTE...

I knew she would. I knew it. We got back to my house after the hospital yesterday and, as I was making coffee, Dee asked about the conservatory again. She nearly found herself impaled on a teaspoon...but luckily escaped this fate because I am so calm and composed. Really I am. The epitomy of self-control: that's me. But anyway.

She started off with looking at the ceiling in there and saying "my thoughts on that would be to have a neutral fabric sort of draped across, with a halfway point so you can pull it back..." That's all fine...but I can't stand her 'interior design' ideas because she seems to favour an odd combination of modern/minimalist, flouncy/frilly, traditional, exotic and, above all else, SAFE. Boring boring safe decoration. I want an aubergine wall in the bedroom...she would likely suggest going for "white with a hint of lilac". That sort of safe. But anyway. I tried to gently explain to her that I really will have a nervous breakdown if I start trying to think about decorating anything other than the nursery and the front room right at the moment. I had earlier explained to her that we want everything finished by mid-April, to be on the safe side: no half finished jobs, no "we just need to put the handles on it" type things - all FINISHED. She still insists that it's possible to put the bathroom floor down, decorate the nursery, front room (including building a cabinet), our bedroom and conservatory...in two months. When we have to remove disgusting woodchip from all the walls before we can even start. Hmm. Maybe...if we worked solidly every weekend and evening from now until my deadline.

I'm digressing again.

So, after I'd politely explained that I can't think about decorating the conservatory right at the moment...she looked thoughtfully around the kitchen and asked..."do you have any thoughts on what colour you'd like in here?"

Aargh!!

The woman is trying to make me cry, I swear to God she is.

Head. Banging. Against. Wall.

Alex has promised that he'll try to reign her in for me...I've told him I can't cope with the conservatory obsession any more. I don't want to think about it. I don't want to be asked at least twice a week if I've "had any more ideas about it". I don't want to. I refuse to.

If he values his mothers life he will do something about the incessant questioning, and he will do something soon. I'm considering suggesting masking tape.

AWW...

I got up this morning and found a single rose and a card propped up in the kitchen. Alex hadn't mentioned valentines day and I'd kind of assumed that he'd forgotten...so this was a lovely suprise.

I now feel a bit bad, because I'd ordered him a card from Harolds Planet...it was meant to be here by today but it hasn't been delivered yet. It's all pointless and stupid. But I have told him about the lack of card and he doesn't mind, instead preferring kisses and things of that nature.

Plus, I have bought us (quite expensive) tickets to see The Crucible at the RSC on Saturday night...it's more a present for me, really, but I think it counts.

Right, I am skidaddling. I want crumpets and I want them now.

EDIT: A BIT LATER
I just remembered another instance of Alex's painful humour and had to share. We were discussing the dog/duck relationship on the sky advert and Alex was speculating about how they ever manage to have sex. He asked me if I thought that maybe the duck attached four springs to her stomach. This made no sense and I was understandably bewildered. I demanded that he explain himself. His answer?
"Because then it would be the four sprung duck technique."
Oh God. It really does hurt my brain. And do you know what's more worrying..? I actually laughed.

EDIT AGAIN: LATER STILL
I just checked my stats. Someone in the US Army googled 'Homosexual Rodents' and found me. This is very amusing.

AND NOW...THE END IS NEAR...AND WE MUST FACE...THE DODGY PATTERNED HOSPITAL CURTAIN...(not really, there's bloody ages to go...but it popped into my head and therefore had to be brain-vomited out)

I LOVE BEING HUGGED BY STRANGERS...


give Kate-Lee more *HUGS*Get hugs of your own