I'm in the library at uni again. I'm in the library at uni and I was actually trying to do some work. I was trying to concentrate. I was trying to get some research done and send some emails to the cast for the drama majiggy.

I'm in the 'silent study' area.

SILENT study area.

It suggests a need for SILENCE.

So why am I now listening to two girly girls giggling about how they "went out and they were kind of dressed up but not very dressed up but they still felt a bit weird and self conscious but eventually they were so drunk that they just didn't care any more!!"? Do they not realise how close they're coming to unleashing the wrath? Do they not sense the wrath???

The wrath - it's bubbling just below the surface.

CRAPPIEST PICKET LINE EVER

There's a strike for something or other today - something to do with lecturers wanting more money. Or something. We've all been a bit stressy because the drama people have been being all artistic and temperamental and saying that they'll be holding lectures anyway...meaning that we were expected to go. We were all very worried about crossing picket lines in order to get into lectures today...

...so we were very relieved when we got to the theatre to be greeted by one sodden, ratty, waterproof wearing man, standing on his own and holding a sign. We drove straight past him (eyes straight ahead, do not make eye-contact), as did everyone else. One girl said that she didn't notice him...meaning that he'd either given up and gone home, or that she'd run him over and as we were speaking he was trying to extract himself from under the wheels of a mini cooper. Poor soggy ratty little man - he has no authority.

As for the rest of the panic...well, I'm sat in the library which is right dead centre of the campus*, so you can probably guess how extensive the disruption has been. Lots of panic for no reason.

* Special Campus. We're not at the huge distinguished red brick part of the university. No. Everyone on this campus is doing joint honours degrees which are tailored for people who are thinking about a career in teaching**. We think they keep us separate because people who want to be teachers are mental, therefore we are mental, therefore they keep us as far away from the other students as possible - if we flip out we won't hurt any innocents.

** Well, all the degrees apart from one. Applied Golf Management Studies. What the...? I mean, seriously...right now I could potentially be in the same room as somebody who has chosen to devote three years of their life to doing a degree in Golf Management.

BACK TO THE DRAMA MAJIGGY

Anyone fancy coming to see me give birth on stage? We've agreed the date for the performance. 10th May. Oh wot larks, Pip old chap.

Ok, so I've now put my foot down and said I will NOT be performing...but if anyone happens to be in the Midlands at around 2pm on the 10th May, feel free to pop in and have a look at our masterpiece. I might be there. I might be the gargantuan space hopper in the corner. I might be there with a baby in tow. I might be there with a baby all decked out in weird 'performance art' type costume. Alternatively, I might be absent due to pushing a little person out of my body. Who knows!? Ah, the fun of it all.

ANGER FOR A DIFFERENT REASON...

Ok, so the giggling girls have shut their flapping mouths. I now have a different problem.

It's silent. Totally silent. You could hear a hamster sneeze. That's what I wanted.

However.

Somebody else has come and sat down two computers down from me...and she's a loud breather. All I can hear is a faint whistling/wheezing noise with every intake of breath. It sounds like she's panting. Or masturbating quietly. Or panting because she's masturbating quietly.

And it's not even as if I can politely tell her to shut up - at least the giggling girls could be dealt with.

It's at times like these you need a nice discreet cattle prod. Or just something that could be used to knock someone unconscious without causing too much fuss.

RUDE RUDE DREAM

I had another rude dream...but this time something weird happened. I woke myself up by moaning. I can't remember what was happening in the dream, but I do remember waking up mid-moan...then being incredibly relieved that Alex was in the bathroom. It was a proper dirty moan, too - porn star style moaning.

Christ, how much do I need a shag?

CHEAPER THAN GRITTISH BASS.

Have you seen that advert? I do love it. I think it might be for NPower..."cheaper than Grittish Bass". Fantastic.

Anyway. We have heating again! Chappy said that he'd be round very early yesterday morning...so I was a little annoyed that two completely different blokes turned up at 10.30, especially as they had no idea what they were there to do ("so is there a broken pipe in a wall?") and kept asking me questions which I couldn't answer ("which pipe exactly is it? Is it a central heating pipe?")

I was then hugely disturbed when the old plumber informed me that his apparently fifteen year old colleague would be left alone to 'sort out the central heating'. You're leaving this child here on his own? No sir. No sir you are not.

They got it all sorted though, so I was happy - even though they did spray muddy central heating water up the wall in the spare room.

Carrott spent the next two hours sat directly on a radiator - it can't be good for him to cook himself like that. Though it's not as bad as when he falls asleep in front of the gas fire - when he eventually moves, half of his body is actually burning hot to touch. No wonder he's got mental problems, his brain is baked.

BREATHE IN...BREATHE OUT...BREATHE IN...BREATHE OUT...

It's seriously annoying me now. I might have to go and get a coffee while I calm down.

DISTURBINGLY LARGE BELLY...

WILL YOU HUG ME IF I PROMISE NOT TO BITE? UNLESS YOU ASK ME TO, ANYWAY...


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