We were watching an episode of 'Derek Acorah's Ghost Towns' the other night, during which Derek suddenly got "a feeling" whilst in the car and decided that it was time for a DOORSTEP DIVINATION. This entails turning up at an (apparently) unsuspecting persons house and demanding entry, before then doing a psychic reading. Fantastic. I wish for Derek to arrive on my doorstep. Oh, how I wish.

Anyway. Conversation with Alex as follows:

Me: Can you imagine if Derek Acorah turned up here?? I'd be like "you can come in, as long as I can hug you".
Alex: You'd wet yourself with excitement.
Me: I wish he'd come to our house.
Alex: It's the Derek Acorah Doorstep Challenge
Me: I'd want to know he was coming though, so I could put on my S&M gear and get my whip ready
Alex: You're sick and weird. So is your ultimate sexual fantasy a foursome with Richard Hammond, Derek Acorah and Gordon Ramsey?
Me: Richard Hammond is more of a pet than anything, really
Alex: So you could use him like a gerbil?
Me: Yes!
Alex: What do you mean "yes!"? Don't get excited about gerbilling with Richard Hammond.

On a related note...
WHY DOES 'TOP GEAR' CAUSE SO MANY SICK CONVERSATIONS??

A while ago a conversation occured which resulted in the distubing image of Jeremy Clarkson being bent over a sports car whilst being shagged up the arse by Dipsy from the teletubbies (using his head ornament, of course), while Richard Hammond watched, panting, from within his Louis Vuitton dog carrier which had been stowed inside the car. Then the conversation above. Then last night I mentioned that one day Jeremy Clarkson will suck himself off.

I don't know why Top Gear always comes down to depraved sexual acts. I really don't understand.

Oh my God, the Richard Hammond msn group: 'Hammond Heaven'. This is just fantastic.

FUCKED UP WEEBLE WITH A RAZOR AND DODGY BIKINI LINE

I seriously can't sort of my pubic hair by myself anymore. That area is a mystery to me...unless I have a mirror. So I've been doing the pubic maintenance majiggy by touch and memory alone. To make matters more difficult my balance is now also buggered, meaning that I have to:
-- Hoist leg up onto side of bath
-- Wobble over to lean against wall
-- Feel about for top of pubes
-- Lather up and grab razor
-- Commence shaving (stick tongue out in concentration)
-- Repeat with other leg (hoist and weeble in other direction)
-- Climb out of shower and ask Alex to check for straightness/bleeding.

It's getting a little ridiculous now - the time has come for me to purchase Immac and ask/tell Alex to partake in some pubic topiary.

BEING GUILT TRIPPED BY THE CAT

Oh God, Flea has the cutest little meow...more of a squeak than anything. I've vacuumed and cleaned the spare room (or nursery, as it shall soon be known) in which I'm sitting, so don't want the cats in here. But Flea is a very sociable cat. A cat who likes to go to sleep in the same room as her people. So she's now sat outside the door shouting, shouting, shouting...little squeaky meows that sound like she's saying "Hello? Hellaow??"...and it's working. I want to let her in. I'm too soft.

MENTAL AMOUNTS OF CLEANING

Celebration! Wow!! I have cleaned!! I've been talking about it for about two weeks and NOW I HAVE DONE IT!!

But now I can't stop. Oh dear.

Obsessive compulsive? Me? Never.

MY T-SHIRT SUDDENLY SEEMS PERVERTED AND SOMEWHAT SINISTER.

Ages ago I bought a Jim'll Fix It* t-shirt with "Jim Fixed it For Me" on the front. Wearing this with a bump gives Jim "fixing it" some really quite disturbing connotations. This t-shirt now seems a little sick and totally inappropriate, and I don't think I can wear it out of the house.

*SING ALONG!!
"Your letter was only the start of it, one letter and now you're a part of it,
Now you've done it, Jim has fixed for it you, and you and you.
There must be something that you always want to do, the one thing that you always wanted to,
Now you've done it, Jim has fixed it for you, and you and you and you ...
ba ba ba..ba ba ba ...
Jim has fixed it for you, and you and you and you-ou-ou."

Fantastic.

GAH!!

FOR GODS SAKE!! WHY WILL NOBODY HUG ME!?? WHY AM I SO UNLOVABLE???


give Kate-Lee more *HUGS*Get hugs of your own